Post 40 Day Reflections

by lilysauvage

So it’s been a long while since I updated my 40 day Self-compassion journey, and I recently noted that it’s actually well past the 40 day mark. Then I realised that I hadn’t even noticed this, because I thought I was still aiming for that 40th day due to the fact that without fail, I’ve maintained my promises! Still meditating, doing yoga, speaking kindly to my Self (even apologising with my hand to my heart on the rare occasions I slip up and say something unkind), and just generally loving my Self better.

I have noticed that in so doing, I have begun vocalising in a more confident manner – especially at work. My daughter joked the other day, “I like this new kick ass actor you’ve become!” My husband poses the biggest challenge for me on this journey, so far, as it’s never been easy for me to courageously disallow mal treatment in a calm and confident manner with him. My therapist asked me the other day, when I told her how I won’t speak or treat my Self poorly any longer, “That’s great. My next question would be when will you make sure others don’t treat you poorly either?” I had to really stop and think about that for a moment. It’s so much easier to do it for one’s Self, but to really stand up and confidently, with compassion for your Self and other, disallow any maltreatment from others is an entirely different ballgame, it seems. The very thought of this scares me, actually. I fear I’ll fail my Self around him.

Spiritually, I’ve had a few (three, to be exact) powerful and moving experiences during meditation, but apart from that, I still feel disconnected from God. My mind, I’m afraid, is still bound up by the dogmatic brainwashing I had to endure. But this is part of the trauma that I’ll be confronting in my new psychotherapy treatment at Road Home – the program for veterans and their family members. I finally found intense treatment for my PTSD, and I couldn’t be more blessed by this.

An unfortunate effect of starting such treatment, however, is to experience a setback, and I’ve noticed that some old triggers have resurfaced. Really horrible ones like panic attacks, fear and hatred of sex, and a general sense that something terrifying is about to happen. This concerns me, but I’m trying to keep things in perspective: I’m still here. My feet are still on the ground. I’m still in my body. And I’m clinging to the message I’m told that God doesn’t leave us, despite what I actually emotionally believe.

But I don’t want to end on a bad note. I just wanted to update a bit, as today was my first real day off in a really long time, and after this, it will get very busy again until after the show closes – and then, it’s Christmas! I’ve no idea what I’ll be doing for this holiday, but I feel blessed that I’ve a roof over my head, central air to keep me warm and cozy, and 4 loving pets (plus one in Spirit – Queen Ierne!) to love in return! There are so many people out there with not even one of these things, and when I am inside my warm flat and look outside at the freezing cold and grey skies and remember this, I feel so much appreciation.

Happy Holidays, gentle readers! I’ll leave you with a quote from the play in which I’m currently cast, which my character says to one of her young, female employees who comes from an emotionally abusive household, and who reminds me of “old” (much younger!) me, “When you are loved, it gives you strength, and when you love back, it gives you courage.” Now consider that in terms of Self-love… 😉

lookingAtSelf