Today, I need to write for the simple reason that coming here, to this blog, comforts me. It empowers me. It reminds me.
I forgot last night. I forgot who I Am. Who I have Become. I forgot that I am Powerful, Capable, Strong, Steady, Compassionate, and Standing, rather than crouching. I forgot that I can only depend on myself, that I am the only one who can Truly be there for me, nobody else. Other people will always hurt me, fail me, scare me, threaten me, disappoint me, and abandon me. But I will still Be. I will still exist as the Phoenix Rising.
So today, I come here, in spite of everything, and I promise you, my Readers (because in doing so, I’m really promising myself), that I will not call myself a fool or an idiot or any such name for forgetting these things and for trusting someone else. I promise I will not self-injure. When my daughter trusted the wrong boys in her life, boys who hurt her or took advantage of her, I didn’t shame her. I didn’t tell her she was a fool. I didn’t abuse her in any way, shape, or form. Nor would I ever! So why should I do that to myself? I promise I will eat well, rest well, continue my yoga and meditation, let myself cry without shame or fear, and stand by myself, just as I tattooed on my arm that I’d do.
One of the hardest things to do in this life, for me, is to learn to accept the fact that I may have to face this life with nobody by my side but Me. I have such resistance to this lesson, because the little girl in me has so many unmet needs, particularly in the “daddy-sense.” She needs to feel special to a man, to a protector, and to be able to trust that man – that he’ll never take advantage of her, take her for granted, use her, abuse her, or abandon her. She never got this. And then, later in life, when she finally did find such a man, I always left, hell-bent on punishing myself. And here I am, finally absorbing that I do deserve that Man, after all, but it’s too late….And it is for this reason, that I have started this blog, this journey toward Self-Compassion. And it is for this reason, that today is so difficult for me.
What I need to do is get so adept at Self-Compassion, so completely immersed in Self-Empowerment, that my current situation has no choice but to change, and/or I just feel completed on my own – finally. If it takes me a lifetime, I’ll do it. I cannot give up. I may be a late developer, but one thing cannot be said of me, and that is that I give up the fight. Maybe it’s because I have children, maybe it’s because I have Lil, but whatever the reason, I’m still here. Sometimes barely. But I am. And I intend to stay. Right here. By my side. Until my dying day.